DWELLING ON PAST MISTAKES

Find The Humor In It and Forgive Yourself

Have you ever wished you could have a do-over? Boy, I sure have. I made so many mistakes as a young teacher. Who in their right mind would allow her speech students to demonstrate how to pierce an ear, clean a gun, or make a bottle rocket?

Or who would allow a teenager to show how much nicotine is in a cigarette by blowing smoke on a clean white hanky — then have the superintendent walk in as the young speaker threw the cigarette out the window?

It’s a wonder no one ever got hurt. Oh, wait a minute! I did allow a kid to demonstrate how to do a back flip, and he didn’t make it.

But the mistakes I think about the most are the ones I made with classroom management — better known as “keeping the natives under control.” I cringe thinking about the times I made a fool of myself or actually set a student up for failure.

I’m still amazed they assigned a young teacher like me to a study hall of nearly 60 juniors and seniors back then. To be honest, I used to lean up against the chalkboard and fantasize I knew karate. One afternoon, I made a dumb mistake. There was a special needs student who was so infatuated with one of our good-looking cheerleaders that he insisted on pulling his desk right up against hers everyday. Instead of going back and talking to him, I yelled out “Son, get back in your own row. You’re not the only guy in here that likes her.” What?

And he yelled back, “But Teacher, I’m the only one that LOVES her.” I think I remember the back rows of senior boys hooting and hollering the rest of the period.

I have been haunted most, however, by the time a kid paid a big price for my lack of experience. It’s been 53 years.

I was standing in front of my Jr. English class talking about a book we were reading when I looked back and saw a long-haired student staring off into space. And with a smirk I asked, “Mr. Smith, did you like the main character?”

Startled from his daydream, he said, “What?”

I retorted back, “If you’d cut that hair, you might be able to hear me better.” I regretted that first-year, show-you-who’s-boss, teacher remark the minute I said it.

The once disinterested student suddenly stood up and walked to the front of the room. He threw his books on my desk and said, “Well, piss on it then.” My mouth was still hanging open when he walked himself to the principal’s office.

When I got to the office later in the day, Mr. Wentling, our principal, was saying, “You will never talk to one of my teachers like that again. Now, take everything out of your back pockets and put your hands on my desk.” Guilty sweat started running down my armpits.

When the young man returned to class, he had cut his long hair to meet the school’s dress code. It did look a little weird — kinda like a backward mullet. He had long strands hanging in front of his fully exposed ears, and the stringy hair that once hung down his back was sheared three inches above his collar.

I was so relieved I smiled inside -- thankful I hadn’t crushed all the boy’s rebellious spirit. I always wondered what happened to that young man. He quit school two weeks after that incident and joined the Navy.

Thankfully, I relearned something recently. Sometimes God gives you a second chance — to make things right.

I was sitting on my living room couch several months ago reading Kristin Hannah’s awesome novel The Women about nurses in Viet Nam. I was wiping my eyes when I heard a notification from Messenger. “Did you teach at Carey High School in the early 1970’s?”

He found me — the long-haired boy who had gone to Viet Nam instead of sitting in my English class.

I was so excited, yet nervous. I was able to take him to lunch last week to apologize, but he gave me the greatest gift of all. He assured me I had actually been a positive part of his story. (I need to wipe my eyes again.)

As I’ve aged, I think I’m finally accepting that it’s alright to forgive yourself. You don’t have to punish yourself forever; you can do better. Guilt and regret can actually lead to emotional damage. I’ve discovered that the offended person is usually very gracious when I have gotten up the courage to apologize and make amends. Some lessons, it seems, just take longer to learn than others.

It’ll Be OK.

~~~

“Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.” ~Maxine

COMMENT: Are you still dwelling on a mistake you’ve made? Forgive yourself.

Don’t forget my book makes a great stocking stuffer for Christmas. It’s full of lighthearted stories from this blog. You can get it on Amazon. Link here.