UNTIL DEATH DO US PART
It's Inevitable.
I hope you will forgive me today. I usually write light-hearted stories about aging, but I’m sitting here in the Sanibel sun contemplating something heavier. You see, my husband just learned one of his buddies passed away last night. And we realized our views of death have changed over the years.
When I was a young teacher and one of my students collapsed during basketball practice and died, I was devastated. During the night his friends called asking me to meet them at a church. They needed me to say something to help them, to be wise. But when I opened my mouth to speak, only a wounded sob escaped. I hated to see his empty desk every day after that so eventually I moved all the chairs around in the classroom. I was heartbroken.
More than a decade later, I spent five months taking care of my 86 year- old mom as she succumbed to cancer. I’ll never forget the last night I lay sleeping beside her bed. I awoke to a cold breeze blowing across my face. Startled, I sat up and grabbed my mom’s hand. It was as cold as ice. I yelled, “Mom, don’t go; I’m not done talking to you yet.” It was surreal when I saw her take her last breath. I knew death was coming, but I was unprepared. I was shocked.
Now that I’ve aged, I am no longer surprised by death. Years ago, my friends and I use to joke about older people’s obsession with obituaries and funerals, but not anymore. It’s one of the first places I check in the newspaper. Many of the people in the obituary section are actually my age.
Last summer I lost a life-long friend. Out of the blue, it seemed, she needed open heart surgery. She was looking forward to getting back to reffing high school volleyball after the procedure. I’ll always remember her with her pixie-cut blonde hair sticking out of the surgery cap and her bare backside sticking out of her hospital gown as she climbed up on the gurney. When they started rolling her down the corridor, she turned and smiled, “See you later.” The later never came. Helping her husband decide to let her go was really difficult. I was sad.
Although I have been devastated, shocked and sad over my lifetime when my friends and family died, I’m glad now I also feel joyous that they ever lived. I love celebrating their lives, remembering the good things. I feel blessed.
I have to chuckle thinking about all the times I subtracted my own age from 90 — trying to estimate how many good years I had left. Even when I was 50, I figured I had at least 30 good ones yet to go. Now that I’m nearing 80 let’s say I’m acutely aware of how precious time is. I am hopeful.
Let’s celebrate.
It’ll Be OK.
~~~
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, espcially if your teammates are bad guessers.” ~ Comedian Demetri Martin
COMMENT: Have your views on death changed over the years?
I love how you shared this, Jan. Most people aren’t comfortable talking about it. My only sibling died when he was 33, my mom was 43, and my dad was 63. I’m 66 now and always thankful if I made it past a year with a 3 in it. When I was young and in nursing school, I use to read the obits…my friends thought I was losing my mind! Now I read them, because we are of the age you start losing classmates and old friends. I try very hard to celebrate a life and not focus so much on the mourning part. We have to celebrate the lives of the people we love, and be thankful for the time we have with them😘
I don’t fear death, I actually know where I’m going when I pass. I use to say I want to be buried instead of being cremated. Though the more I think about it I do want to be cremated and be laid to rest in Kentucky beside my parents.
When my sister passed I felt guilty for not being there to say good bye. It was supposed to be me, but God had other plans I guess. I’ve asked a hundred times why. I was ready again God had other plans. When Dad died in 2024 we were all there it was so peaceful and that was what my dad wanted. I read Palms 23 and we said the Lords Prayer. We celebrate both my sister and my dad by talking about them and the funny things or some real serious things about them. But either way I will be with them again. It’s not good bye it’s just see you later for now.
Thanks Jan I always enjoy reading your writings. Thank for sharing.